Authentic Self Expression

What is authenticity?
how do you authentically self-express?
How might it be hard to self express?
Who do you idolize or look up to when it comes to authentic self expression?
When do you experience imposter syndrome?
When do you feel like its impossible to self-express?
How easy/difficult is it to notice others authentic self expression?
If you could have an alternative life - who would you be? What would your life be like?

Children are some of the most authentic beings on the planet. They express themselves in what they wear, how they talk, how they play, who they befriend, how they question the world and people around them, how they show passion towards a hobby or interest - its no wonder we adults are wanting to get back to the child-like experience of nostalgia. Over time, we transition from this free spirit of a child who enjoys the present, lets go of the past and views the future from a perception of curiosity into one of confinement, conformity, consistency, and consolation of those who made the transition before us.

Sometimes authentic self expression brings about feelings of shame. The shame can come in many forms but often comes about because of our discovery of wanting to believe in and act in ways that are different to that of our heritage or our previous religious beliefs. It can be uncomfortable to realize that our new-found authentic self expression goes against our previous views. For example, you find you enjoy having friendships and relationships with people of another ethnicity than the one(s) you were raised in as you acknowledge, appreciate, and accept their culture, norms and traditions but when you share those views with your family, you are met with confusion, disagreement, or disbelief that a new perspective could be accepted by anyone, let alone you. It can bring about disappointment in both yourself and your family, creating a constant battle in your mind about which group feels more “you” - your existing family or your friends/relationships.

Breaking down “authentic self expression,” let’s start with ‘authentic.” One way to describe authenticity is the opposite of “supposed to” which is a form a narcissim. Authentic is spontaneous its a burst of energy, similar to when a flower is ready to bloom and bursts open to reveal its bright colors to the world. Authenticity is unpretentious. It is a safe space where worry and fear are far away. It is often the opposite of everything.

“Self” is the integration of the heart, brain, and gut. It is the connection of spirit and soul, the nebulous and ethereal. The importance of wrestling with the self is strong. The self shifts, grows, shrinks. The self is brittle. Self growth occurs through experiences, through acceptance of other perspectives (possibly expanding from black and white to color), solitude (not truth but our own Truth), through self motivation, through writing, and through having the opportunity or having luck on your side.

Lastly “expression” is the sympathy and empathy we show ourselves and others and the moving in and out of others experiences (similar to karma). In fact, the awareness of our past lives (if that is your Truth) only adds to the growth of our authenticity. Being available and understanding in your everyday life will lead to more opportunities.

Authentic self expression can appear to us in various ways. For some, we see it in children who teach us to be free and openminded. Others see it in the form of a Japanese cherry blossom representing the beauty of culture and nature. Still others may see it as a bouquet of flowers, delicately and intricately placed like the components that make up our own authentic selves.

Find your bouquet of flowers that authentically express you. - anonymous

Books and Other Recomendations

• Ikigai - Hector Garcia and Francese Miralles

• Art of Authenticity - Karissa Thacker

• The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi and Fimitako Koga

• Adam Grant podcast

• Covenant of Water - Abraham Verghese

• Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s story of being a French Jesuit priest

• Human Genome Project - Francis Collins

Adult Friendships

Notes From the Live Discussion:

Refayat - If you’ve realized that some friendships do not serve you anymore, what have you done about them?

Danielle - I have been asking myself about letting go of friendships. Both having been on the receiving end as well as the other end

Mia - how do I cope when friendships end? Especially if I didn't instigate the ending of that friendship

Liz - I would love to know from folks how you started your adult friendships, who made the “first move” and how did you maintain and strengthen the friendship?

Abi - How do you find new quality friendships?

Laurence - reliability is important to me in friendships Liz - really interested in wanting to know how to make the "first move" with adult friendships. Also want to know the different types of friendships I have as an adult now Refayat - anecdotes or stories of people going through friendships. Maybe lost touch but see each other time to time - losing reasons to stay friends. How do I deal with that? Dont want to lose them, but also want to respect myself and thoughts

Aundraea - closing/endings with immediate family. Space to allow me to be me -e xpress my thoughts and opinions that might not be agreed upon with my family. Love and care still there. Open-handedness to me - letting go of certain relationships. Imagined friendship is not always the reality. Necessity of being honest with myself - outer-inner realities match. Also want to talk about distance friendships Mia - Aging has shown me that my friend group has decreased. People move away or just out of your daily routines. Takes more intentionality to keep any relationship going. "Effort is not there." Feel that everyone is in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You dont know who will be there for the lifetime friendships. Instances where energy is not reciprocated. Sometimes friends need time to self-heal. Fizzles out. How much effort do I put in when friends have other priorities

Mia - sometimes I need to release people to allow for space for new opportunities Danielle - true friendship = unconditional love and mutual respect, shared experiences Mia - true friendship = support and encouragement, intentional, fun, build memories and laughter Danielle - relationships/friendships different view - work/personal intertwined. friendtorships - no power dynamic, what can I learn, leave and leverage? Found this helpful bc I have lots of friendtors who I wouldn't call mentors bc they are limiting models. My relationships strengthen when I am able to take off filters that I applied. Professional setting - categorized. Let that go and was able to expand that to a friendtorship

Mia - I do that too! 3 strikes and you’re out!

Laurence - how much effort to put in? You never know. At least try - 3 chances rule: third time no response, let go. I really care about my friends showing up. I appreciate all my friendships for various reasons and hard to encompass one as a "true friend"

Liz - I am trying to follow the advice in this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/11/well/family/check-in-text-friendship.html - it doesn’t take that much effort to check in, and you never know!

Mia - different friendship styles. Me, Im a planner. But if they aren't, then they might show up differently. If I reach out and they dont respond, that hurts. I pay more attention to how my friends respond. My circle is smaller and I reach out to different friends depending on what it is. Know yourself and the friendship style you want to maintain. Gut instinct to know when its time to let go/reach out to a friend again.

Danielle - Especially in the age of social media and texting I realize how much a quick phone call or voicemail means to people

Mia - does not take long at all to check in on a friend. I set a goal to send messages to reach out to my friends. Be intentional. We find time for what we value.

Danielle - Same with me about birthdays

Liz - I do a lot of mind-reading. I always think "whats the worst thing?" I am trying to break this habit Mia - mind-reading is not always what really happens.

Refayat - all fuel for thought - say fuel bc I am getting an explosion of insight in my own life. Whats coming up for me was the concept of reciprocity. Often times what happens is I have friends that are reciprocal but also sometimes try to reach out to non-reciprocal people. I have more clarity now about my true friends. They are the ones I might not see all the time but they reciprocate when I reach out or they reach out to me on their own. Its reassuring to know I have reciprocate friends. Used to fall into the habit of reaching out to friends who do not reciprocate my efforts. Now easier to end those friendships - now acquaintances

Laurence - My friends are in different times in their lives -they're moving. How do you make more friendships that fulfill your needs? For me - having proximity

Mia - going to new places, events, and experiences. That is where I find my new people

Danielle - I find Facebook groups to connect with people at events and posting on social media asking if people want to go do things with me

Transitioning to Something New

What comes up for you when thinking of “transitioning to something new?”
When do you feel ready for change?
What is something new you are ready for?
What does new mean to you?
How does one transition?
Do you feel you transition because you want to or because you have to?
Transition = excitement for new things and sadness for old. What do you think about that?
What stories, if any, would people like to share?

What comes up for you when thinking of “transitioning to something new?”

Madi - My current transitions I am in, which include moving to Florida, starting a business, becoming a life coach
Cathy - moving to a new home, taking care of my son
Ryan - CA -> MI for a job, ended long distance relationship, and have a new house
Robin - new to Lansing area, moved from a house to a condo
Ellie - also moved from a house to a condo, I went through a divorce and lost my mom recently
Tom - moved, new church location
Stephen - recovery coaching, new project - writing a book, finishing associates
Lex - moving, CHI -> LAN, new career, new art
Abi - have new changes yet to come, bracing and preparing for those

How does one transition?

People move from this to that and that to this. But there is also a great balance between having knowledge of the future (as in planning and understanding how your actions will shape your future) versus the unknown because regardless of how well we plan or how many possibilities we predict, the future will never become known until the present moment. The transitions we encounter can either leave us feeling at peace or anxious, two opposing ends of the spectrum. Why is this?

Transition is happening daily at a much smaller scale. Every little action you take, thought you have, word you say, way you spend your time - these are all little transitions we make that help shape who we are and how we show up in the world. We are constantly choosing every microsecond of the day. Thank goodness our brains do most of this work behind the scenes (subconsciously) so we can continue to make only the biggest of these decisions on stage (consciously). For every decision made there is a consequence. Our United States culture has led us to believe that this word - consequence - has a negative connotation, that we will have a bad outcome from whatever choice we made, regardless of whether it was “right” or “wrong” in our minds. But that’s just it; a consequence is only an outcome. And yes we must live with the outcome but our perspective on that outcome determines whether we believe it to be “good” or “bad.”

Let’s say you have gone through these micro-transitions making small decisions thousands, maybe tens of thousands of times. For example, every time you walk past your candy jar in the kitchen, you grab one piece of candy. After having done that say six times a day, six days a week, 52 weeks a year, 10 years at this house alone - you have decided to make the same decision 18,720 times! Wow. And, again as an example, the consequence or the outcome might be that you’ve steadily maintained your slightly heavier-set physique. Awesome! You enjoy staying in this transition of having your favorite candies and living life comfortably. There is joy in having this balance. But lets say one day, you decide you do not like the candy anymore so you stop eating it and for some reason only known to you, you switch to eating a baby carrot each time instead. The consequence might still be similar; you enjoy your snack and you maintain a slightly lighter weight. That’s great too.

Now taking our candy example, instead of losing interest in the candy, the candy company all of a sudden stopped making that candy. Chaos explodes. What are you going to do? How will we ever be able to replace it? What are my next options? How will I cope with this rapid change? We could take these question and insert whatever variable we wanted. Maybe we ask these questions when our parents get too old to take care of themselves, or our child becomes ill, or we have to move for a job, or we no longer are interested in our partner - the variables go on and on. But really, how will you react to this change? Does it bring you peace when thinking about how to transition through this change? Or does it make you anxious and how can we work through this transition?

Whatever your variable and however you feel about it, just know that you are stronger than you think. You are capable to handle any unforeseen or planned transitions to something new. With every transition comes a new skill that you’ve obtained. Maybe that’s navigating a new city, being able to sort and organize things after a loved one has passed, or finding ways to make your new home feel like your home. You did it. You managed to maneuver through the transition and now you have a new perspective on life. Way to go!

When do you feel ready for change?

When life feels chaotic and change is necessary, this is when it is time for change (for some). Chaos is an infection. For example, if a person is living an unfulfilling life working a boring job, not enjoying social engagements, and not having fun doing their own thing, that might lead them to having a cluttered and messy space. Your environment is a representation of your mind. Messy room = messy mind. This ties in a bit to feng sui in that there is purpose in having a neat and organized space - a place for everything; everything in its place. (If this sounds too OCD for you, I get it and that’s totally fine to have a little less organization of course). But we do happen to live in a very consumerist society in which we are constantly being fed more and more reasons to buy things which does not help in keeping order and simplicity in our lives. Similarly, we also live in a consumerist state of mind through social media and constant streaming services. Probably time to take a think about that one as well.

If you feel too lost and unsatisfied with the way our psychological consumerist country is acting, that could be your gut telling you that its time for change. Again, like our candy example, the consumerism is just a variable that can be replaced by many others including relationships, lifestyles, locations, routines, etc. All your gut is trying to tell you is that thing no longer serves a purpose for you nor do you find purpose in it. Sometimes that gut feeling to make a big change independent of anything else might be freeing. Knowing you are ready for this change is a really uplifting feeling. When you are ready but do not know what the change will bring as a consequence in the future, it can be beneficial to detach from the goal or value it brings. This transition is more about the journey rather than the destination.

All transitional journeys are unique. Sometimes they bring joy and sorrow, pain and gain, love and hate - an array of emotions and feelings. Whatever these emotions and feelings happen to be, they are part of the irreplaceable experience, irreplaceable things, and irreplaceable people. Transitional journeys can also be any length of time. This part depends more on your attention span to the transition. If it is something you are not necessarily keen on having a huge attention span, it might take a lot less time.

Another indication that it might be time for change is boredom. Have you ever felt bored with yourself, your environment, your friends, etc? Yeah I am sure we have all been there. It especially feels more present nowadays as our attention spans across the board have all but shriveled up. As Maslow’s most basic hierarchy of needs of physiological needs and safety needs are largely met here in the United States, it would seem that most are able to advance to the next levels of belonging, esteem and self-actualization. However, that is not what is happening for the majority. For some multitude of reasons, people are not wanting to reflect and think at these higher levels. It could be tied back to our attention spans. Who knows?

Transitions again are whatever you want them to be. One thing that they always will be is a time to reinvent yourself. If you don’t want to be the person you are today, you always have the ability to choose to be something else. The sky is the limit. Maybe one small step in that direction can be reframing your space - both physical and mental. Reframe it to help you on your transition journey. Keeping too much old and new all at the same time can be overwhelming so be sure to unpack some of it when you can. Whatever your situation, you have the power to make the best of it or the worst of it. It’s all in the way you frame your mindset around it.

Resources Shared

Andrew Huberman podcast

Mastery of Life - Miguel Ruiz Jr.

Transitions - William Bridges

Gifts of Imperfection - Brené Brown

The Systems We Live In

Questions

Aniqa - What is a system?

Majeed - Since it is my first time, oul you give us a little introduction of how this [Conscious Conversations] system works?

Brian - How do you empower yourself within the systems we’re in?

Abi - How do we know when a system will best be improved through incremental reform, vs. when we need a complete overhaul in favor of something new?

Romy - What are the systems we best drive in and are bright, right for a conscious life?

First Question: What is a system?

Brian - societal system -social, poitical, etc. that affect us all. interpersonal - family, environment the ones we live in. microsystems are affected by societal.

Aniqa - repeating patterns = systems. automation. self-sufficientcy, continuous, loops. automation could mean tech but not always. water cycles is another example of a system.

Majeed - A system is often a combination of more than one thing ( ideas or believe or physical entities) working in a coordinated Way.

Romy - how are these systems defined? definition of system - A system is a group of interacting or interrelated elements that act according to a set of rules to form a unified whole. A system, surrounded and influenced by its environment, is described by its boundaries, structure and purpose and is expressed in its functioning.

Romy - We are all interconnected. Different perceptions of these systems. Life is driven by systems. Some are not good for the planet/against life. Find out what systems that support my being/living a conscious life. Lots of systems are crushing down. Might be overwhelming/problematic. The systems we design have to align with our human-ness

Aniqa - natural vs human systems. Systems so large - living in human systems that were created centuries ago. As individuals, these systems have not kept up bc evolution is not built the same as natural systems

Majeed - The evolution of individualism, destroyed the system system. I mean everyone has it's own system and the collective systems( cultural, religious, Political etc) are deteriorating.

Brian - lots of environmental systems. To Romy's point - facing climate change issues. natural systems in place and have been for a long time vs. the societal systems created by humans. This impact is something we are just seeing now. Humans miss the level of importance of natural systems.

Aniqa - we as humans are natural systems but sometimes we identify more with a robot than a monkey. lost connection with nature. "productive" beings - machines are productive. As a natural system is interesting

Romy - people have to adjust to the rhythm of the system. Human built systems were designed to help humans. We are slowly figuring out how natural systems - cells, molecules - we are not the bright light. We are ignorant of these natural systems sometimes.

Majeed - The system created by humans for human while the natural system completely ignored, total artificiality of man.

Question Two: How do you empower yourself within the systems we’re in?

Brian - societal system, especially USA, we feel the impact of society in a large way. Our own identities in these systems are our own. We cannot rely on societal systems that are vast. We can only depend on ourselves and our family. How can we build up these systems we do have control (family, relationships, friendships)? Take account for microsystems

Aniqa - when is it a perception of a system and when is it the system itself? Often a mindset, separate from the reality of the system. Brings empowerment back to us. See it differently, shift perception for ourselves. A layer to connect the two

Gemma - nature and other systems can be fundamental to the interlockings of other systems. Be aware of patterns and recognize it to develop an interconnected system. When we become aware of things, we can start to learn and impact our influence - a ripple effect

Aniqa - layers of systems - individual -> relationships -> workplace -> society/government - these are all embedded, then embedded into the natural world. Static to the individual. Interest in political - workplaces are still structural like the military as a default. closest, effective communities as empowered, co-creation. to have workplaces not like that and government expecting that, it does not get actualized. individuals feel that they do not have individual power

Romy - bringing mindfulness and connection to business - no domination - people are slowly changing this way. money is the center of the universe. life and love - center of universe and everything else evolves around it

Romy - when we understand how to interact/connect with nature, we can see it in another way. It makes an impact to go with the natural systems and how to feel how natural they are. Fulfilling to hear the sounds of nature, enjoy the flowers, the sun. Just beautiful

Majeed - If I was able to develop a scientific device that would be a device a capable to catch the fragrance, all other still there.

Aniqa - looking inwards. we are externally focused (money). this is a way to empower ourselves when we recognize that the matrix is literal - sources of energy was the humans. we are the source of power; it originates from within us. how can we experience and mentor each other to see the light?

Romy - every culture has done so much to expose us to these ideas. it will help us understand how we need to treat our bodies and nurture ourselves in different ways. create a society that is inclusive. everybody is a part of the puzzle. by doing and creating with one another - that's how we will do it

Aniqa - information vs knowledge. lots of rich knowledge in pockets of the world. we have lost the knowledge of people who live close to the land and who could help us create a systems that are closer to the natural systems. lost in translation

Romy - information -> knowledge -> wisdom. when we reconnect with our true selves and nature, then we can trust our intuition and adapt. get more in touch with nature

Brian - Majeed's points. systems have become less as we have become more individualized. lots of strength in the religious in the eastern world. individualism more in the western world. goes to show the importance of this conversation - idea of systems in place and how they interject with our lives.

Majeed - Thanks for the kind words.

Aniqa - social pressures snuff out the individualism. fitting in makes it harder to stand out as an individual. future possibility as individuals truly self-actualize and find their consciously chosen collectives/communities vs. what they were born into (older collectivism). Maybe too much individualism at this time

Romy - looking within to find passions and the fire that makes us tick, our happiness - somewhere we might go to assist the planet. live our lives as the best version of ourselves. it is a lifelong journey.

Majeed - We are under the control of an idea, that inspire war and conflict not Peace and mutual interconnectivity. The survival of the fittest

Quotes

“You cannot be independent if you are not interdependent.” - Dr. Enric Bernal

“We don’t rise to the level of your goals but fall to the level of our systems.” - James Clear, Atomic Habits

Note: This discussion on The Systems we Live In was done a bit differently. Discussion participants were asked to pose their own individual question to the group. The list of questions were thought of by each participant in the group. We started with the first mentioned question and followed down the list as far as we could get.

Discussion was copied as best as possible word-for-word from the participants. Capturing what each person had to contribute to the group was tough but it definitely helped capture the essence of what was being said by the group. Read to follow along with the dialog.

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime

A Reason - People meet a need you have and in turn expressed assistance, guidance, support, and/or aide. Then these people go. They walk away, make you choose, or they die. Our need has been met and our desires fulfilled. It is time to move on.

A Season - These people are there to share, grow, and/or learn with you. They bring you peace or make you laugh, a lot. They teach you new things and give you so much joy.

A Lifetime - These people are rare. They teach you a lifetime of lessons and create a solid emotional foundation. Love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant (having or exhibiting an ability to perceive events in the future or beyond normal sensory contact).

Who are these people in your life? Can you remember your childhood and the kids of adult figures you had in your life? Which of these groups did they fall into? What about in high school? What about your younger adult years? What about now?

We’ve all had people who have come into our lives for a reason. Maybe these people are those we meet at the checkout counter of a store. They help us with our purchases. Maybe its the police when they help you home after a night out drinking a bit too much. Maybe its a stranger who decided to talk to you that encouraged you to change your life for the better. It might not even be a person. Maybe it’s a song you heard at that place that inspired you to do something, or a book you read that helped you see something from a new light.

These people who are in our lives for a reason are temporary. Maybe they pop up in again here and there, but that just means we have not gotten what we needed from them. But there comes a point where these people could start as a reason and become a season.

People who are in our lives for a season go a step further than those for a reason. There is still a reason the seasonal people are in our lives sure ,but they also are there to expand with you. My friend Brian Helfman always says, “Everyone has something to learn and something to teach.” At the seasonal level, I believe this is where we start to see the learning and teaching taking place. People like your teachers, your coworkers, your neighbors, those people you meet on spring break trips, and maybe even friends who have come and gone. Family members like your grandparents or parents are also only in your life for a season; it is inevitable that they will pass away before you do, giving them a limited time in your life.

These people, the seasonal people, are very memorable. Sometimes they might be the hardest to let go. These people bring us so much joy, love, and laughter but for this or that reason, they eventually leave. These people might find a new career opportunity in another city, they start a family, the semester ends and you move on, your coworkers get a new job at another company, the spring break trip ended, or your friends naturally drift into the next season of their own life. And sometimes we are not ready for these people to be gone but their time with us is up.

Finally we have those who are in our lives for a lifetime. Those are few and far between. Brothers and sisters, blood-relatives or not, they are in your life for the long haul. Your best friends you make along the way - the ones who are with you through the thick and thin, for the good and bad, and everything in-between. Your soulmate, significant other, lover, or partner is likely to be one more to this exclusive list along with maybe your children. Those that make the list of life-timers, they are something very special. There is a sacred bond between you and these other people, one of deep emotional connection, respect, understanding, and unconditional love. These are the people that you see when you close your eyes and see your future.

These are the people we hold dearest to our hearts. They are the first people we want to call when we have good news or when we need help. They are the ones we want at our highest highs and lowest lows. These are the people who made it past the levels of reasons and seasons. Treasure them.

But what about ourselves? When are we a reason for others? When have we been a season for others? Who are we going to be a lifetime for? Do we even notice when, why, or how we are a reason, a season, or a life time for someone else? Are there any relationships we wish we could change our status from one to another? How can we do so? And how are we going to be there for our life-timers?

Some big takeaways from thinking through this are:

People who are in our lives for a reason assist, guide, support and aide us in whatever way necessary. Let’s be sure to be those reasons for others.
There is a reason those who are in our lives for a season is only a season - look for the lessons we can learn from them to grow.
When we know our season is coming to an end with anther, acknowledge, accept it, and move on.
Those who are in our lives for a lifetime, love and cherish them.
Know when someone is meant to be in one category even though we so desperately want them to be in another.
The only constant is change - being comfortable with the ebb and flow of relationships is the key.

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Which comes more naturally for you - giving or receiving feedback?
When is it easy / easier to receive feedback?
When is it difficult to receive feedback?
How do you receive feedback when it's uncomfortable to hear?
How do you give feedback that's difficult to say?
What sort of feedback do you regularly receive from people and the world around you?
What have you learned from the feedback you've received?
How do you tune in to listen to internal feedback?
What role does feedback play in working well with others?
What role does feedback play in developing self-awareness?
How might we as a society learn to give and receive feedback more effectively / consciously?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?

What is a topic you could talk about all day, every day? Someone might say philosophy, adulting, travelling, camping, simplification, meal prepping, or organization. Now, for a moment, what if you were talking about your opinions and views on your favorite topic and someone started giving you feedback that went against what you said? What would your gut reaction be like?

For most, we have a gut reaction to feel frustration or even anger towards a person who is giving us unwanted feedback. And that’s understandable as we were not prepared for it and it might have pushed some of our emotional buttons. It hurts. On the flip side, if the one giving feedback had been for what we said, we might have had a gut reaction of excitement, appreciation, or acceptance. Regardless, it is hard to block a quick gut reaction to anything.

To become better at receiving feedback, practice being able to hear this external feedback, taking a moment to process what was said, and choose how we want to respond to this person. For feedback against us, maybe we want to understand more about this person's perspective so we respond intentionally with curiosity to find out more. Maybe this person had thought our way before but learned after much experience that this other perspective was more impactful. For feedback that agrees with us, maybe this person does not know much about the topic and wanted to win our favor. Who knows because we certainly do not know their intentions or perspectives behind their words. It is better to approach with a sense of open-mindedness and curiosity to get the full picture before we instinctively react.

Similarly, when we give feedback, take a second to think about what you want to say before you say it. Maybe ask the other person if they are open to feedback before giving it. If they are open to it, and the feedback might potentially come off as negative, it could be useful to give some positive and negative feedback. Of course this depends on the relationship with the person. We all have friends who receive feedback well and others that do not. As you give feedback, you simultaneously start noticing how people respond to it and you can pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues.

But feedback can be very tricky as it is constantly being given to us everyday in various ways - our social interactions, the weather, the media we consume, the way we talk to ourselves, the decisions we make, the music we listen to, and the things we read. Feedback is just that - feedback. Not all feedback is something we have to listen to. “Chew the meat and spit out the bones.” It really is in our control to decide how we give and receive it. Feedback is not inherently good or bad. It is simply a tool we can use to learn more about the world around us and ourselves.

Looking at feedback within ourselves, it can be harder to notice or acknowledge as our culture tends to look forward to external feedback. Internal feedback can be anything from your body telling you it's hungry, to your brain having a headache (possibly asking you to take a break or drink more water), to even the thoughts we tell ourselves, such as, “You are a boss.” Some ways in which we can be more aware and accepting of our own internal feedback is actually listening for it. Take time to do things like meditation, journaling, self-care, going for a silent walk - activities where there is little to no external influence - and intentionally observe your mind, body, and soul. What is your mind saying to you? How is your body responding to your movement? How clear can you feel your soul? It is amazing what we can gather from the time we take to listen to ourselves. As we listen and take action to better ourselves (or continue to nourish our bodies), we become better at giving and receiving feedback in our external surroundings.

As our discernment grows, we become less judgmental because we are wiser in judging our surroundings. Ironic, right? What I mean by being able to judge others better is we can understand more about the other person beyond what they are saying or doing and less about being judgmental. An example might be a friend talking about feeling overwhelmed. Rather than being judgmental and saying, “You look like you could use a shower,” you might observe that they might not be the cleanest right now and that the overwhelmed feeling might be inhibiting their ability to do other things, like personal hygiene, so you say something like, “Is this feeling of overwhelm consuming your energy in other areas, too? If so, how can I best support you?” The difference is that the first approach might just trigger a feeling of guilt or shame, whereas the second approach gives the overwhelmed person a chance to think about how it's affecting them and come to the conclusion they need a shower while also having the support of a friend. How nice. The second approach might actually get them to feel better rather than worse.

But giving and receiving feedback is tricky. It takes practice and patience. So go forth and practice these skills because it was worth it.

Choosing the Right Opportunites

What is choice?
When do you know you’ve decided?
How do you seek opportunities?
What is right or wrong opportunities to you (meaning)?
Do opportunities fall in your lap or do you make them?
What feels right to you?
How can we let go of regrets on a previous opportunity?
What is the difference between opportunity and obligation?
How can we create more opportunity?

Choice is an active moment, a freedom, and a space for options. Choice is an alignment of the brain, heart, and gut; it’s an alignment of logic, feeling, and intuition. So what stops us from making conscious choices? I believe it to be the gut or the intuition. We are so caught up in the external influences that cloud our intuition. It slowly eats away at you until you cannot recognize your own intuition.

When we do find our intuition, we let go of our fears and anxieties but also experience change. There is a sense of clarity and resolve. Keep going regardless. One exercise to help you find our intuition is to write down your fears. Write them down and put the date you wrote it down next to it. Then, every year check in on that list. Update it by crossing off the fears you’ve overcome, add more, change some - do what your intuition tells you.

How you choose to live every moment defines you. Ask yourself what would future you want to be? Be intentional about who you are and how you show up in the world. Someone once said your life is like God’s playground - there is no right or wrong, just enjoyment and care. The playground also acts like a healthy boundary. It gives character and virtue to the playground, or your life in real terms.

We seek to find community with people who who we can trust and share aligned values. The desire to do and be overcomes fear sometimes. Choosing desire over fear sometimes gives way to anxiety. The less decisions are more freeing. And there is creativity within boundaries.

Have you ever heard of the Fig Tree allegory? It goes you can pick the figs from the tree but the more you pick, the more you are going to drop. The idea is pick your figs from the same branch, or in other words, pick a lane. Hold on to your figs, eat them, or maybe even plant them. It creates a sense of duty.

If we learn to have more childhood freedoms at an earlier age or are able to teach our children to have more freedoms. It all leads to higher decision making. It’s no surprise that the older generations are better at decision making because they lived freely as children. They took more risks. The newer generations have more regrets about things about the things they didn’t do. The older generations have lessons learned from the risks that were taken. Last thing I wanted to mention is that deciding for yourself is different than deciding for a group. Giving grace to others and yourself for the decisions made is always better than being judgmental.

Originality

What does originality mean to you?
Where does originality come from?
Where does your originality come from?
What has been your most original work?
Do you believe that true originality exists?
How do you cultivate originality within yourself as an individual?
How do we cultivate originality as a society?
How might embracing our originality / uniqueness as individuals help us be more creative?
How might embracing our originality / uniqueness as individuals help us live more happy, healthy, and fulfilling lives?
How might leaders better cultivate and utilize the originality of those they lead?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?

Things that come to mind with thinking about originality in the modern age might be how originality relates to AI, how original creativity is often substituted for copy or templates, the expensive price tags given to original things, and originality among individual humans.

When looking at something like AI, we know that its capabilities are based on algorithms, patterns, and reference materials, therefore, it is hard to argue that AI can be original at all. An example might be Midjourney, an AI program that produces new images from a prompt. One could argue that the image produces is ana original piece but at the same time another could argue that the prompt and AI were based on previous references and therefore it is more of a "remix" as in mixing different ideas together rather than an original piece.

When talking about original creativity versus using a copied template, it takes work to be original in creativity. It is sad to say but many people in the field and in education are reporting that young people in the modern age are demanding more of these copied templates. Growing up in an age where Google, calculators, and many other technologies have been designed to make our lives easier, it is often common to think that templates, something easy, would be acceptable to pass as us doing the work. Original creativity takes time, effort, and thought - things that many of the younger people of society have found ways to expend less and less each day. Instead of us all doing the work again and again, let's expend this energy once to create AI that will do the work for us in the future. Sounds like a good solution, right? But originality had to come from somewhere. Even AI had an original design that came from its designers. 

What about stories? They had to come from somewhere, right? Stories are often written by the winners and stolen from the losers. We can attribute some of the limited views of diversity to the people who write history. But who gets the credit where credit is due? Stories come from our lived experiences, beliefs, ideas, dreams, and views. Stories might arguably be one of the few things that is truly original. But stories have been re-written time and time again. Take Cinderella. A quick Google search suggests that a similar story was written during Greek times about a young Greek courtesan whose sandal was stolen by an eagle and dropped in the lap of the Pharaoh who sought out the owner of this sandal. Sound familiar? There have been many remixes and remakes of stories especially in the modern day to highlight diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Let's take a look at original individuals. When was the last time you honestly said how you felt to someone who asked? It is tough, right? Most of us are afraid that we might create conflict or distance if we really spoke our minds. We are afraid of each other. This causes us to be less original beings. We fear our original ideas and thoughts might be wrong or outlandish. We fear the judgment of others and the possible repercussions of self-judgment if we fall victim to believing in our peers' feedback to these original comments. As a result, we have a society where few people are honest. We focus more on punishing those who do not fall into line like the rest of us. I think we can all give ourselves a break and be more honest and judge a little less.

You know what else is original? This experience you are having right now. You will never be reading this again for the first time, with your own previous ideas, conceptions, and experiences. You will never have this experience again. That statement is both freeing and disheartening at the same time. It's freeing because it means you have the ability to make this experience whatever you would like it to be. And it is disheartening because you could be enjoying it and feel that it is not possible to ever experience this same joy again. But that is why we have memories, right? We can look back on these original moments in our minds. How amazing! 

If you were to take one thing away from this, I believe it to be this: the most original things in this world are our individual lives and stories. So live your life authentically the way you choose to because there's eight billion other people living another life. Make yours your own. And share your stories, your ideas, your feelings, your thoughts - I promise someone will be grateful you shared.

How can you make your day more original?

Modern Love

What is your parents love story?
What about your grandparents love story?
What did your childhood dreams of love look like?
What was your teenage experience of love like?
What has been your expectation of love versus your reality of love experience?
What have you enjoyed about past relationships?
What have you learned from past relationships?
What is the current state of your modern love story?
How have you been able to find new potential romantic partners? Places? Apps? Events?
What trends have you noticed in modern love?
What do you like or not like about modern love?
How easy or difficult has it been trying to date in the modern times?
Describe your dream love.

Love is a fickle thing, isn’t it? Love is complicated and confusing. There is no clear definition of what love is for every person. People can love in many different ways. And because love is such a broad term, it is hard to figure out how to love, where to find it, and when to know you have it.

My parents fell in love by accident. They met in college and were planning to be a summer romance when unexpectedly they both ended up going to another college together where they eventually could not stop thinking of one another, eventually fell in love, and were married a year later. For others, they met at work and enjoyed each others company. For another, it was being high school sweethearts. Like I said, love is complex and often shows up when you least expect it.

Our grandparents also have different views on love. Because of the times, my grandfather was off to war soon after meeting my grandmother. She decided to marry another in his absence and quickly divorced soon after because she knew my grandfather was the one. Funny enough, others’ grandparents had similar experiences in that they married multiple times. American culture has taken to a higher divorce rate. Maybe that is because we feel there is always something better that we can have right around the corner, similar to that of a better car, a better house, or even a better spouse.

As American children, especially for the girls, we were shown that love is the ultimate happiness and once we have it, we will live happily ever after. Thanks Disney. Other shows taught us to be the cool kid who declines anyone who they deem less than themselves. And other shows told us that we would marry our high school sweethearts, start a family, and love being a parent. It is so interesting to see how diverse these shows viewed love. I want to come back to Disney. Why is it that every Disney princess has a problem with a parent, along with the majority not having a mother in the picture, and seeking the love, care, and protection from another man who just so happens to be a prince? That is some tough love right there.

As teenagers, we started to experience romantic love. Some had a boyfriend or girlfriend which consisted of a parent driving the two of them around to get food or go bowling. For others, they practiced saying “no” as a way to gain attention. This was likely all of our most awkward first attempt at trying to figure out something as complex as love. But as we gained experience, we became better at knowing what we like about love and what we do not, thus making us better lovers in return.

But of course, our expectation of love as a child was much different, maybe even a polar opposite from what our experiences of love have been like. Sure there are definitely people who did have similar experiences (married their high school sweetheart, married their college best friend, or has just met their soulmate) but for those of us who have not been so fortunate, what are we left with?

In this modern day and age, trying to find love is like finding a needle in a haystack during a heavy rainstorm. It’s nearly impossible. From what I understand there are a few issues at play here- 1) people who are looking for serious relationships are the minority, 2) those who are looking for a serious partner aren’t taking themselves seriously, 3) we as a society are too idealistic on our partners, and 4) those who are conscious, mature, secure people are so in tune with themselves that its rare to find them.

Majority of people are focused on other things like career, hobbies, or travel that they feel content with temporary partners or even frequent one night stands. They enjoy their freedoms and are afraid that they will have to give that up if they settle down with one person. To some extent that is true. Being able to be vulnerable and compromise on things is part of being in a relationship, however, everyone should be able to be themselves around this other person or it most likely is not a healthy relationship. But who go through all that effort and heartache when you can have fun-fun with a friend and skip all the commitment stuff?

And for those who have decided to graduate from this level of independence might not quite be ready. There are people who say they are looking for a serious partner but have not healed from past experiences to know exactly who they are or what they really want in a relationship. This makes it tough for them because their new experiences might not go so great if they are still stuck on past wounds. Give it more time. Everyone should experience loving themselves for a time. Remember being a kid? We all enjoyed being in our own fantasy worlds. Experience that again to find what it is you want and how you want to show up in a relationship before you go looking.

For those of us who want a tall boyfriend with dark hair, a beard, muscular, successful, somewhat rich, outgoing, daring, adventurous, funny, kind, very intelligent, romantic, manly, and emotionally intelligent as well who our parents will also love - honey, do you think we have put too many requirements on our job posting? Probably. No doubt there are people who check majority of these boxes but take some time to really think about what is more important to you. Is it the appearance? Is it the smarts? Is it the wit? Is it the humor? Is it the connection? Write out in order what takes hierarchy over other things and then look for someone who ticks those first boxes. If they tick all the boxes, congratulations you have just won the lottery. But focus on the things that are most important to you. And in the meantime, be those things for yourself.

Lastly, for those rare creatures that walk this earth, keep doing you and love will find you. What is meant to be yours will be. Don’t rush it. Keep an open mind and an open heart and you will know when you have met the one who can stand as your equal. That person will have a very strong connection to you. They will inspire you and push you. They will love you and they will be a joy to be around. When struggles arise, you will both know how to treat the other with respect and understanding. Together you are unstoppable.

If I had some pieces of advice to give, it would be this: You must first learn to love yourself - your body, your mind, y our soul - before you can begin to truly love others. Test the waters and see what you will tolerate and not tolerate. It is absolutely acceptable to say no or end a relationship when you feel something is off (that is your gut telling you something is not quite right; listen to it). Put up that boundary and test its sturdiness when others push on it and you fight back (become resilient). Trust that the person who is meant to be in your life will be. And for our previous relationships, those people were in our lives to teach us a lesson; learn from it and move on. You will know you have found the right one when your logic, your emotions, and your intuition are in alignment.

For those of us who are recouping from a recent breakup, please take that time to be in love with yourself. Go on your own date. Enjoy a night in doing something you love. Experience self-love for a while and it will really make you feel renewed. For those of us ready to find new love, check out the apps to find people and just know when to swipe right one genuine people. Also get out there and meet new people with an open mind. Maybe it’s just a friendship over video games or a single coffee date but at least you are practicing setting your boundaries. And finally for those of us in relationships, be sure to continue to have clear communication about your wants and needs. Also be willing to acknowledge and respect the others wants and needs.

Humility and Confidence

What does humility mean to you?
What does confidence mean to you?
How can humility and confidence coexist?
Which comes more naturally for you - humility or confidence?
How do you stay humble / practice humility?
How have you built confidence?
What does it look and feel like to be humble and confident at the same time?
What kinds of environments do you feel most confident in? Where are you? Who are you with?
What makes it difficult to be humble?
What makes it difficult to be confident?
Is it possible to be too confident, or too humble?
How might learning to be more humble help us become more confident?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?

Google says:
Humility - a modest or low view of one’s own importance
Confidence - feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something

Which do you feel most drawn to in this moment in time? Most of the group touched on the importance and necessity of having both humility and confidence present in their lives. There is a balance between the two depending on the situation. Confidence is knowing your boundaries, and humility is knowing when to ask for help.

How many of us can relate to either being or knowing when someone else was appearing to be falsely confident? This misplaced confidence stems from the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality. These people show all signs of confidence - good posture, clear and steady speech, strong voice, stable eye contact - but what they were saying or demonstrating was obviously wrong. We agreed it was easier to spot this false confidence in people. This is how confidence is often portrayed in modern society. But why is that? why do we often tell ourselves we need to be confident or they’ll know I’m a phony?

We do have people in this world who are self confident, meaning they really do understand themselves, the situation, an idea, etc. but often looked down upon or seen as bad. We as a society have a tendency to merge true self confidence with this false confidence into one group and view these people as assertive and arrogant. Thinking of people in my own life who I view as self confident, I tend to feel threatened or jealous and resort to seeing them as “better than” me. Why is that? This could be because I feel I lack confidence in my own self as do many others who share my views.

Okay, so lets say you have some lack of confidence in some aspect of life - professionally, in relationships, in yourself, in your abilities - how can we surpass this and gain more self confidence? We can all agree that in order to gain confidence in external situations we must first build up that confidence within ourselves. For example, we want to build up the confidence to join this dance group or sports club. The people already in these groups are great, they seem positive, capable, excited, involved, everything we associate with a confident person in this activity, right? Great but how come we feel we are different from them? What do we feel we are lacking? Where can we improve on confidence?

Taking this example of joining a dance group or sports club, we often find that we feel inadequate to do so because we lack things like clear communication, accepting our body image, ability to perform in dance/sport, or connecting with our peers. It could be anything. But what might be underlying is all of these possible lacks of confidence here or there are really things we do not feel we have within. Do we communicate well with ourselves? Do we feel beautiful? Do we feel we can do this? Do we feel connected with who we are? If the answer is no to any of these, maybe start there.

For those who have all the self confidence in the world, you probably went through many experiences of growth towards that confidence. You are very grounded in true awareness of who you are and how you show up in situations. Maybe you are a tenured professor who is confidently teaching a topic s/he has spent years researching and teaching already. Your students recognize that but they also recognize you for your humility. This humility might show up when a smart student really grasps the concepts and is able to outsmart or challenge the teacher. The teacher might experience humility in the sense that s/he has achieved something greater than himself/herself - s/he has partaken in advancing knowledge within a student.

It might be harder to notice at first but we are all humbled throughout different experiences in our lives. Situations from unfortunate events like school shootings or earthquakes, to the first time you lay eyes on your newborn child, to staring at the vast expanse of the universe, we can experience the sense of something greater than ourselves. This might be a motivator for us to do and be more in this world, or not.

David Goggins of “Can’t Hurt Me” and Adam Grant of “Think Again” and “Originals” were two leaders who came up as great examples of confident and humble leaders. Similarly to last weeks topic of Unconditional Love, we are able to experience full humility once we are able to unconditionally love someone or something. So to be confident in oneself as to be confident in the situations and people around you so to must you be humbled by them as well. For everyone is our greatest students and our greatest teachers. Remember that even though you have it all together and feel grounded, you are one of eight billion humans on this planet. Never lose sight of that.

Thank you to my group of Dawn, Gemma, Douglas, Brian, and Reid

“I know that I know nothing.” - Plato

Unconditional Love

What does unconditional love mean to you?
What does unconditional love feel like? What does it require? Why is it important?
What is the opposite of unconditional love? What are some of the conditions or requirements that you or others have placed on love?
Are there certain instances where it's better for love to be conditional, or should it always be unconditional?
Who are you in an unconditionally loving relationship with?
Are you in any relationships where you or the other person loves unconditionally, but it is not reciprocated?
What makes it difficult to love unconditionally?
How can we promote more unconditional love in our world? What would that world look and feel like?
How might learning to love others unconditionally help us better love ourselves?
How might learning to love ourselves unconditionally help us more authentically love others?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?

Unconditional love - does it exist? Is it even practical? We all have our own immediate answers to this question. Some believe it to be very true because they have in fact experienced it themselves. Others might say that the power to love unconditionally, or without any judgment, is above the human capability and is reserved for God. Some have been hearing this theme of unconditional love come up during times of grief and wanting to grow in their spirituality. Some believe those who are very highly spiritual beings are capable of experiencing unconditional love both within themselves and towards others.

But what is love? In the English language, we really have one word to describe a broad range of love including self-love, family love, friendship love, significant other love, loving our pets, and so many more. The Greeks, on the other hand have many words to describe very specific kinds of love, such as:

Eros – Romantic, Passionate Love (Of the Body)

Philia – Affectionate, Friendly Love

Storge – Unconditional, Familial Love

Agape – Selfless, Universal Love

Ludus – Playful, Flirtatious Love

Pragma – Committed, Long-Lasting Love

Philautia – Self Love

When talking about unconditional love in the English language, it is most associated with Agape, or that selfless, universal love we express towards others and Storge, the unconditional love a parent and child might express towards one another. Agape is about showing love to all beings in an effort to bring about happiness and eliminate suffering. In order to achieve Agape, or unconditional love, we have to look beyond ego, to love others no matter what they do. Similarly Storge is the same type of love but specifically for your family rather than everyone else. If we were able to fully experience Storge and Agape kinds of love, wouldn’t life be great? Even if someone was abusing us mentally or emotionally, would it still be acceptable to love them unconditionally? Or is that not healthy for ourselves? Where is the line?

It might be hard to make that distinction between when to be completely unconditionally loving and protecting yourself from harm. But even then, do we always have to be unconditionally loving? Is it finite? Or is it timeless? Do certain circumstances change unconditional love due to timing or the type of experience? We only know how to communicate this unconditional love to others when the circumstances are right. The difference between simply loving someone and unconditional love is that when loving someone, we still have barriers of ego, judgement, fear, etc. that set our limits on how much we can stay invested in loving someone. Once these barriers have been breeched, it signals it is time to let go of that love for someone in order to protect ourselves. Unconditional love has no barriers.

Unconditional love is always there, whether we are connected to it or not. We can always choose it at any point. But this is a state of experiencing love without any pain. This state of mind is rarely experienced and often times can only be tapped into when on drugs or in deep states of meditation. While it is hard to achieve this state of mind, let alone stay in it for long periods of time, we can choose to tap into this state of mind when we see someone else in pain. For example, seeing someone get in an accident across the street, coming to their rescue with empathy and compassion allows us to be unconditionally loving while they are experiencing pain such as sadness, fear, and hurt. But it is really hard to express unconditional love from the perspective of the person in pain.

How can we reach this level of unconditional love? Do you unconditionally love yourself? Can you look yourself in the mirror and be proud, loving, caring, appreciative, and accepting of yourself? If the answer is no, that’s okay. It’s completely understandable and in fact quite common to find faults in ourselves because we save the biggest judgments for ourselves. If you want to become more unconditionally loving, we must first let go of the judgment, the guilt, the ego. Our values need to aligned with unconditionally loving ourselves and accepting all parts of ourselves. The process to achieve this state of mind is having empathy, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and finally gratitude.

Complete that process and you will not only be able to unconditionally love yourself but also unconditionally love others. Take the first step in expressing empathy for yourself. If you need a journal prompt, start with the Hawaiian phrase Ho’ opomopono:

I’m Sorry for….

Please forgive me for….

Thank you for…

I love you for…

Go forth and love unconditionally <3

“Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Understanding Amid Differences

Why is understanding amid differences important?
What makes it difficult to understand certain people or groups?
What does it take to truly understand another?
What does it take to be truly understood by others?
What do you wish people understood about you?
How can we promote deeper understanding in our own relationships and communities?
How can learning to better understand others help us better understand ourselves? Have you ever experienced this personally?
What would a more understanding world look and feel like?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?

Does understanding mean we know the truth about someone? Is there even a truth? Or are there two truths - yours and the other persons? And between the two truths understanding looks more like a shared common ground. In this understanding, there is no “right” or “wrong” because that would imply judgment. If we have judgment, are we incapable of understanding one another fully?

As we discussed further, this idea of coming from a place of observation in the conversation or situation rather than a place of judgment allowed for one to be more understanding of the other. That makes sense because as we open our minds to observe the other persons perspective, we in turn become more aware of others and our surroundings. We move from ourselves into a bigger picture of the entire situation. These observations help us to merge our truth and others’ truth into an understanding as described above.

But truth is based on experience, right? The scientific method of creating a hypothesis, testing it, and seeing results. If the results match your hypothesis then it is now a truth, right? Similarly our individual experiences work the same way. Our truth is based on our thoughts and feelings going into a situation is our hypothesis, our behavior during the experience is like the testing stage, and finally the consequences of the experience are the results. As we have similar experiences over and over in our lives, such as driving back and forth to work, or eating at your favorite restaurant, you start to develop a truth about that situation. We can apply this to all aspects of our lives. But they way you experience life is much different than mine. It has to be. As unique individuals, we all experience life in our own ways. How is it that I can really understand your experience in such a way as similar to my own?

Take cultural differences for example. Wherever and however you grew up, the people, the environment, and the situations involved are different from culture to culture. What can we learn from other cultures? Many things of course everything from new phrases, behaviors, traditions, patterns, cuisines - you name it - and as we come to experience these for ourselves, our truth on life becomes more culturally diverse. Multicultural people, or those who have had the opportunity to immerse themselves for longer periods of time in multiple cultures, how much do they really understand all the cultures? From talking to multicultural people in the group, you can understand the ways of multiple cultures but it is common to feel more comfortable or have a greater understanding about one culture over the other. Being a nomad between cultures makes you a very unique individual indeed.

As we interact with more people, we have the ability to spread our understanding in many directions. Thinking of the friends in your life, do you have many or few? For those with many, your spread tends to go further in multiple two-dimensional directions. For those with fewer friends, your understanding tends to go deeper as you become very well acquainted with these individuals. How can we both spread and deepen our understanding of others? Traca Savadogo had a beautiful TedTalk all about why we should all be talking to strangers to help us achieve this goal of becoming more understanding of one another. This is also known as the hitchhikers effect.

Is it really understanding we are seeking or curiosity? Being intentionally curious opens the doors to gaining great insights about another persons life. Having bumpers, or intentions, along with a good preface to setting up the conversation leads to great connection and communication. Through talking to others, we not only learn more about them but also a lot about ourselves. Everyone just wants to be understood just as much as we do. When we really truly resonate, or understand, something someone else has experienced that is similar to our own experience, we create a deeper bond with that person and feel more empathy.

Keep exploring conversations. What conversations are you going to strike up with a stranger today?

Goal Setting

Who here has set a 2023 New Years goal, mantra, intention or something of the like?
Who has set them in the previous years?
What were some of these goals, mantras, intentions, etc., that worked in the past?
What has not worked in the past?
What patterns have you noticed within yourself from these experiences?
For those with 2023 goals, what are they? How has it been going so far?
What other types of goals do you set?
How do you stay accountable?
How can we improve our goal setting?
Why are these goals important to you?
When do you consider the goal achieved? Time frame?

Everyone makes some New Years resolution whether it be a goal , a mantra, an intention or a phrase. Some examples were setting personal boundaries, listening to oneself, a “Let’s Fucking Go” mantra, getting into a new hobby, or practicing time management. It’s the intentional thought that we put out each day that make achieving these goals possible. Say your goals out loud. It helps to solidify the thoughts that this goal is achievable and you are capable of reaching the goal.

Even when we set our intentions for the day and verbalize them out loud, why do we still sometimes let our goals slip through the cracks? First, life does happen. We have days where we might not always reach our goal. When these days occur, it is helpful to view these failures as opportunities rather than failures. So you missed a day. So what? 6/7 is better than 5/7. Every day is a new day and with that we always have the opportunity to improve ourselves from the previous day.

Other things we can do to help us reach our goals are to check-in with our goals, overlapping multiple goals, and having an accountability partner. By checking in on our goals often and intentionally, we are able to see tangible progress towards our goal over and over, engraining our goal into a habit in our brains. This can help us naturally complete or strive to our goal regularly to a point where we no longer need to remember to do it, because it is now a habit. When overlapping goals, such as brushing your teeth every time you sit on the toilet helps you remember to brush your teeth more often. And similarly, the more you do it, the more you will build a natural habit of doing it. Finally, having an accountability partner is a game changer. Someone to check in on how you did on your goals not only reminds us to work towards these goals but increases our motivation to do so as we have someone relying on us to update them with our progress and encourage us to keep going. Who could be your accountability partner for your goals?

Being able to do a self-analysis without harsh judgment can help you find where you are hesitant in completing your goals. For example, if you have a goal to stop eating sweets, recognizing when you want a sweet, why you want a sweet, and if having a sweet would satisfy your deeper rooted needs can help you learn to change behaviors. For this example, becoming aware that maybe it’s not the sweet your are really crazing but rather something to make you feel better when you are stressed at work or feel that your workload is never-ending can help you change that behavior to something more effective, like waling and stretching for a few minutes to briefly get your mind off work. Trusting the process of changing the unhelpful behaviors will in turn help you succeed in achieving your goals.

Have you ever thought about what motivational style you resonate the most with? Maybe it is a reward-based, attitude, fear-based, creative, achievement, competence, or power motivation that causes you to want to succeed in your goal. I encourage you to look more into these and think about which one relates to you and your current goal.

As one of our group members mentioned, “You cannot party on the roof, meaning you cannot celebrate your wins without having built a solid foundation.” What he meant by this comment is in order to be able to achieve your goals over and over, it takes a strong foundation of self-awareness, what the goal is, practice and repetition, and where, when, why, and how you are going to achieve this goal in order to reap the benefits of achieving this goal, or in other words partying on the roof.

That being said, it is not always easy to trust the process to obtain these goals. For a goal without pain is a wish. Although it might be hard to reach your goals, know that every little step you take, you are one step closer to achieving your goals. Its not about the destination but rather all about the journey. Through striving towards these goals, what can you learn about yourself? Where have you grown? What are smaller goals you’ve completed along the way? As you start to break down your big goal into smaller goals, success is all around you. It only makes the bigger goal that much easier to achieve.

What We Can Learn From Animals

What is your favorite animal?
What can we learn from our pets?
When was the last time you interacted with an animal?
When was the last time you interacted with an animal who is not your pet?
What have you learned from animals at the zoo, the aquarium, in a documentary or show, or in the wild?
When can there be an imbalance of humans and wild animals?
How can we live more in harmony with animals?

Animals are fascinating. From a giraffe, to a snow leopard, to a frog, to a jellyfish, to a dolphin - every animal is exquisite! Regardless of what animal you adore, we can learn something or many things from each one of these animals. A good read about this topic was recommended by a peer Shiv called The Immense World by Ed Young.

From polar bears, we can learn how to release trauma. A peer Traca mentioned how she saw a polar bear who was forced to respond to a fight-flight-freeze situation with a controlled response of freeze. The polar bear stood there - shaking, eyes narrowed, canines peaking out of it’s mouth, and a built up energy so strong it was ready to kill. From this polar bear, we can view our own freeze responses as one where we bottle up all of our energy until we’ve hit max capacity in which we will explode into a fight response. We learn that although it might feel natural to bottle emotions, it is better to release those emotions in smaller doses as to prevent a huge outburst of negative emotions.

During the beginning of the pandemic when humans fled to the safety of their homes, animals were found returning to their old habitats that were normally occupied by humans. Sea turtles returned more often to lay eggs and baby turtle survival rate was higher when the human sun bathers were no longer present. These animals were venturing back to these old homelands and reconnecting with those places. Birds also began to return to big, dusty, noisy cities and bird songs could be heard throughout the streets. More of these stories can be found on the documentary The Year Earth Changed.

People in our group talked about things they have done recently to live more in harmony with animals, such as changing their diet to eat less meat, saving bugs rather than killing them, and being more intentional with their ways of life. As we work towards harmony amongst all creatures of the planet, so too can we become more in harmony with ourselves. At the core, animals work to gather and consume nutritious foods and survive each day. As humans continue to evolve, we move further and further away from these natural, core needs and closer to nontangible things, causing a greater imbalance between the two.

Jainism practices include being a vegetarian, being kind to all creatures, and work towards this harmonic coexistence between humans, animals, and nature. This led to the discussion of different countries and how they interact with animals. In countries such as Mexico, Haiti, and Costa Rica, dogs and cats are not seen as “man’s best friend” as we see in the United States but rather free roamers of the streets. Some people in these countries do however see animals in a different light. The “Savers” work to rescue these animals and ultimately raise them as their own pets. The “Catch-and-Releasers” would save these animals by relocating them to another location. The “Enjoyers” keep little treats on them to feed the animals.

For those who view cats, dogs, rats, snakes, iguanas, fish - you name it - as pets, we can learn even more about these animals. When training your pets to listen to you, we can learn patience and appreciation for these animals. When your dog barks at the water and you ask him to not bark and he barks softly at the water, you can learn to laugh and love how smart animals are. We have the ability to find a balance between controlling our pets and allowing them to be and do in their natural animal way. Horses are another example. These creatures have a keen sense of energies; if you are afraid, they know it. They hear you through your energy.

All in all, humans and animals are very similar. We all have instincts and smarts to navigate this crazy world. We all have our own personalities and behaviors. In the end, strive for harmony and put out the energy you want to receive. You’ll be surprised how much the environment around us will respond to it. The world and the animals within are fascinating like that.

What can you learn from an animal today?

The Power of Play

What does play mean to you?
What is the power / value of play?
What did play look like for you when you were a kid?
How do you make time for play in your adult life?
What's your favorite form of play in your adult life?
What's holding you back from playing more?
What's something you do, or used to do, that gives you a sense of uninhibited
pleasure, where you lose track of time, and want to do the thing again and again?
How have you, or might you, make your work feel more like play?
What would a more playful society look and feel like?
What's something you can do to make the week ahead more playful?

A Summary of our Discussion:

For some, reminiscing on the joys of playing as a child comes naturally to us. For others, it is deeply tied to other memories of trauma. This polarization of joyful and sorrowful memories makes it sometimes difficult to want to work on deprogramming our minds from a typically unplayful adult lifestyle. But how did we get to such a point where play is so difficult to naturally experience?

Play might have meant being outside, reading or learning something fun, being a mermaid, building forts out of pillows and blankets, or play-pretending to live out adult situations at age 8. Play comes in many different forms and shows up in unique ways to each of us. Play is “being a human” or “feeling alive” for most. As kids, we were doing just that - being a kid and letting our imagination run wild. But somewhere along the line a gradual change lead us to be less and less playful and more serious. We started to make decisions from our mind rather than our heart. Someone told us we shouldn’t behave this way or we shouldn’t be thinking this way or we shouldn’t be doing that.

Over time, we started to lose our imaginations. Some of us much more than others. We might have started to feel like we didn’t belong and so we started to conform to the “norms” and “ways of life” of the culture of people around us. And now in this present moments as adults, what are we left with? For most, we do not think much of play because our minds are filled with stress, responsibilities, and keeping the organized chaos of life at bay. Our “play” might be a para-social relationship with our social media or video games that is one-sided. Sure we enjoy playing with these things and feel safe in doing so but to what end?

How many of us can agree it is really tough to go out and find new friends? Let me tell you, it is hard and it takes a lot of effort! The complexity of another human being’s dynamic compared to our own and trying to make the both of them work is daunting. We not only need to vulnerable with these new people as to show our true, authentic sides but how willing are we to show that to ourselves? How we played as a child is probably the most authentic version of ourselves we can be.

So then how can we as adults find a way to tap into the power of playing we loved so much as a kid? Maybe that is through working out inner child wounds to unlock more fond memories of play. Or maybe that is simply recalling things you enjoyed doing and doing those more often, like going on nature walks. Or better yet find new ways to implement play if you are feeling adventurous. Whatever you do, do it with an inviting heart. Be vulnerable. Create a space for yourself to feel safe and free to be the authentic kid you once were. And if you are looking for others to be more playful with you, trust that they will come. Nothing is more respectful than an honest person who is being who they want to be and doing the things they want to do.

Thank you to my group of Dawn, Kelsey, Kris, Joanna, Traca, and Ray for a wonderful discussion.

“Play is always there if you are looking for it. - Kris

How will you unlock the power of play today?

Can we actually experience something objectively?

This topic was inspired by listening to a man on TikTok discuss the difference between objectivity and subjectivity. I was fascinated at the idea of our lives being a subjective experience formed by our past experiences. I was excited to discuss a deeply philosophical conversation with my friends

What is the difference between objective and subjective?
What does it mean to "experience something objectively?"
What is the possibility that one could do this?
How could one separate an object's true identity from the viewer's perception of it?
What is the point of life if it is neither meaningless nor meaningful?
How do we value our actions, possessions, or ourselves if we cannot live objectively?
Are we as humans humans objective or subjective?
Is an 'objective meaning of life' a subjective term?

This conversation was especially interesting because we had a philosopher, an engineer, a doctor, and an artist all coming with different perspectives and thoughts on the subject. We all agreed that what it means to “experience something objectively” ultimately means we have an experience that is completely new, therefore we cast no judgment or preconceived notions about the experience which is inherently impossible because we are programmed to make decisions in a given situation based on past experiences. It is highly improbable that we could experience life objectively.

We dove even deeper by talking about objects themselves; a table is a table as we perceive it to be and have been told in the past what a table is, what it looks like, and how it is used. We talked about the possibility that someone who has never seen a table nor has been told how to use it could choose to use it in ways we would likely find odd having experienced the properties and uses of a table. Someone could sleep on it, use it to build a fort, or even try to use it as something to float on water. The possibilities are endless. This lead to the idea of what is the “true” purpose of the table? What is truth? Is truth subjective to our beliefs?

We ultimately agreed that the “objective meaning of life” was a very subjective term. We even brought in the idea that things are fact until proven wrong. Therefore science as a whole is only fact, not truth, until proven wrong. There is no truth. There is no objectivity that we can comprehend, only subjectivity.