Modern Love
What is your parents love story?
What about your grandparents love story?
What did your childhood dreams of love look like?
What was your teenage experience of love like?
What has been your expectation of love versus your reality of love experience?
What have you enjoyed about past relationships?
What have you learned from past relationships?
What is the current state of your modern love story?
How have you been able to find new potential romantic partners? Places? Apps? Events?
What trends have you noticed in modern love?
What do you like or not like about modern love?
How easy or difficult has it been trying to date in the modern times?
Describe your dream love.
Love is a fickle thing, isn’t it? Love is complicated and confusing. There is no clear definition of what love is for every person. People can love in many different ways. And because love is such a broad term, it is hard to figure out how to love, where to find it, and when to know you have it.
My parents fell in love by accident. They met in college and were planning to be a summer romance when unexpectedly they both ended up going to another college together where they eventually could not stop thinking of one another, eventually fell in love, and were married a year later. For others, they met at work and enjoyed each others company. For another, it was being high school sweethearts. Like I said, love is complex and often shows up when you least expect it.
Our grandparents also have different views on love. Because of the times, my grandfather was off to war soon after meeting my grandmother. She decided to marry another in his absence and quickly divorced soon after because she knew my grandfather was the one. Funny enough, others’ grandparents had similar experiences in that they married multiple times. American culture has taken to a higher divorce rate. Maybe that is because we feel there is always something better that we can have right around the corner, similar to that of a better car, a better house, or even a better spouse.
As American children, especially for the girls, we were shown that love is the ultimate happiness and once we have it, we will live happily ever after. Thanks Disney. Other shows taught us to be the cool kid who declines anyone who they deem less than themselves. And other shows told us that we would marry our high school sweethearts, start a family, and love being a parent. It is so interesting to see how diverse these shows viewed love. I want to come back to Disney. Why is it that every Disney princess has a problem with a parent, along with the majority not having a mother in the picture, and seeking the love, care, and protection from another man who just so happens to be a prince? That is some tough love right there.
As teenagers, we started to experience romantic love. Some had a boyfriend or girlfriend which consisted of a parent driving the two of them around to get food or go bowling. For others, they practiced saying “no” as a way to gain attention. This was likely all of our most awkward first attempt at trying to figure out something as complex as love. But as we gained experience, we became better at knowing what we like about love and what we do not, thus making us better lovers in return.
But of course, our expectation of love as a child was much different, maybe even a polar opposite from what our experiences of love have been like. Sure there are definitely people who did have similar experiences (married their high school sweetheart, married their college best friend, or has just met their soulmate) but for those of us who have not been so fortunate, what are we left with?
In this modern day and age, trying to find love is like finding a needle in a haystack during a heavy rainstorm. It’s nearly impossible. From what I understand there are a few issues at play here- 1) people who are looking for serious relationships are the minority, 2) those who are looking for a serious partner aren’t taking themselves seriously, 3) we as a society are too idealistic on our partners, and 4) those who are conscious, mature, secure people are so in tune with themselves that its rare to find them.
Majority of people are focused on other things like career, hobbies, or travel that they feel content with temporary partners or even frequent one night stands. They enjoy their freedoms and are afraid that they will have to give that up if they settle down with one person. To some extent that is true. Being able to be vulnerable and compromise on things is part of being in a relationship, however, everyone should be able to be themselves around this other person or it most likely is not a healthy relationship. But who go through all that effort and heartache when you can have fun-fun with a friend and skip all the commitment stuff?
And for those who have decided to graduate from this level of independence might not quite be ready. There are people who say they are looking for a serious partner but have not healed from past experiences to know exactly who they are or what they really want in a relationship. This makes it tough for them because their new experiences might not go so great if they are still stuck on past wounds. Give it more time. Everyone should experience loving themselves for a time. Remember being a kid? We all enjoyed being in our own fantasy worlds. Experience that again to find what it is you want and how you want to show up in a relationship before you go looking.
For those of us who want a tall boyfriend with dark hair, a beard, muscular, successful, somewhat rich, outgoing, daring, adventurous, funny, kind, very intelligent, romantic, manly, and emotionally intelligent as well who our parents will also love - honey, do you think we have put too many requirements on our job posting? Probably. No doubt there are people who check majority of these boxes but take some time to really think about what is more important to you. Is it the appearance? Is it the smarts? Is it the wit? Is it the humor? Is it the connection? Write out in order what takes hierarchy over other things and then look for someone who ticks those first boxes. If they tick all the boxes, congratulations you have just won the lottery. But focus on the things that are most important to you. And in the meantime, be those things for yourself.
Lastly, for those rare creatures that walk this earth, keep doing you and love will find you. What is meant to be yours will be. Don’t rush it. Keep an open mind and an open heart and you will know when you have met the one who can stand as your equal. That person will have a very strong connection to you. They will inspire you and push you. They will love you and they will be a joy to be around. When struggles arise, you will both know how to treat the other with respect and understanding. Together you are unstoppable.
If I had some pieces of advice to give, it would be this: You must first learn to love yourself - your body, your mind, y our soul - before you can begin to truly love others. Test the waters and see what you will tolerate and not tolerate. It is absolutely acceptable to say no or end a relationship when you feel something is off (that is your gut telling you something is not quite right; listen to it). Put up that boundary and test its sturdiness when others push on it and you fight back (become resilient). Trust that the person who is meant to be in your life will be. And for our previous relationships, those people were in our lives to teach us a lesson; learn from it and move on. You will know you have found the right one when your logic, your emotions, and your intuition are in alignment.
For those of us who are recouping from a recent breakup, please take that time to be in love with yourself. Go on your own date. Enjoy a night in doing something you love. Experience self-love for a while and it will really make you feel renewed. For those of us ready to find new love, check out the apps to find people and just know when to swipe right one genuine people. Also get out there and meet new people with an open mind. Maybe it’s just a friendship over video games or a single coffee date but at least you are practicing setting your boundaries. And finally for those of us in relationships, be sure to continue to have clear communication about your wants and needs. Also be willing to acknowledge and respect the others wants and needs.
