Adult Friendships
Notes From the Live Discussion:
Refayat - If you’ve realized that some friendships do not serve you anymore, what have you done about them?
Danielle - I have been asking myself about letting go of friendships. Both having been on the receiving end as well as the other end
Mia - how do I cope when friendships end? Especially if I didn't instigate the ending of that friendship
Liz - I would love to know from folks how you started your adult friendships, who made the “first move” and how did you maintain and strengthen the friendship?
Abi - How do you find new quality friendships?
Laurence - reliability is important to me in friendships Liz - really interested in wanting to know how to make the "first move" with adult friendships. Also want to know the different types of friendships I have as an adult now Refayat - anecdotes or stories of people going through friendships. Maybe lost touch but see each other time to time - losing reasons to stay friends. How do I deal with that? Dont want to lose them, but also want to respect myself and thoughts
Aundraea - closing/endings with immediate family. Space to allow me to be me -e xpress my thoughts and opinions that might not be agreed upon with my family. Love and care still there. Open-handedness to me - letting go of certain relationships. Imagined friendship is not always the reality. Necessity of being honest with myself - outer-inner realities match. Also want to talk about distance friendships Mia - Aging has shown me that my friend group has decreased. People move away or just out of your daily routines. Takes more intentionality to keep any relationship going. "Effort is not there." Feel that everyone is in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You dont know who will be there for the lifetime friendships. Instances where energy is not reciprocated. Sometimes friends need time to self-heal. Fizzles out. How much effort do I put in when friends have other priorities
Mia - sometimes I need to release people to allow for space for new opportunities Danielle - true friendship = unconditional love and mutual respect, shared experiences Mia - true friendship = support and encouragement, intentional, fun, build memories and laughter Danielle - relationships/friendships different view - work/personal intertwined. friendtorships - no power dynamic, what can I learn, leave and leverage? Found this helpful bc I have lots of friendtors who I wouldn't call mentors bc they are limiting models. My relationships strengthen when I am able to take off filters that I applied. Professional setting - categorized. Let that go and was able to expand that to a friendtorship
Mia - I do that too! 3 strikes and you’re out!
Laurence - how much effort to put in? You never know. At least try - 3 chances rule: third time no response, let go. I really care about my friends showing up. I appreciate all my friendships for various reasons and hard to encompass one as a "true friend"
Liz - I am trying to follow the advice in this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/11/well/family/check-in-text-friendship.html - it doesn’t take that much effort to check in, and you never know!
Mia - different friendship styles. Me, Im a planner. But if they aren't, then they might show up differently. If I reach out and they dont respond, that hurts. I pay more attention to how my friends respond. My circle is smaller and I reach out to different friends depending on what it is. Know yourself and the friendship style you want to maintain. Gut instinct to know when its time to let go/reach out to a friend again.
Danielle - Especially in the age of social media and texting I realize how much a quick phone call or voicemail means to people
Mia - does not take long at all to check in on a friend. I set a goal to send messages to reach out to my friends. Be intentional. We find time for what we value.
Danielle - Same with me about birthdays
Liz - I do a lot of mind-reading. I always think "whats the worst thing?" I am trying to break this habit Mia - mind-reading is not always what really happens.
Refayat - all fuel for thought - say fuel bc I am getting an explosion of insight in my own life. Whats coming up for me was the concept of reciprocity. Often times what happens is I have friends that are reciprocal but also sometimes try to reach out to non-reciprocal people. I have more clarity now about my true friends. They are the ones I might not see all the time but they reciprocate when I reach out or they reach out to me on their own. Its reassuring to know I have reciprocate friends. Used to fall into the habit of reaching out to friends who do not reciprocate my efforts. Now easier to end those friendships - now acquaintances
Laurence - My friends are in different times in their lives -they're moving. How do you make more friendships that fulfill your needs? For me - having proximity
Mia - going to new places, events, and experiences. That is where I find my new people
Danielle - I find Facebook groups to connect with people at events and posting on social media asking if people want to go do things with me
