Giving and Receiving Feedback
Which comes more naturally for you - giving or receiving feedback?
When is it easy / easier to receive feedback?
When is it difficult to receive feedback?
How do you receive feedback when it's uncomfortable to hear?
How do you give feedback that's difficult to say?
What sort of feedback do you regularly receive from people and the world around you?
What have you learned from the feedback you've received?
How do you tune in to listen to internal feedback?
What role does feedback play in working well with others?
What role does feedback play in developing self-awareness?
How might we as a society learn to give and receive feedback more effectively / consciously?
What's something you want to take from this conversation into this weekend?
What is a topic you could talk about all day, every day? Someone might say philosophy, adulting, travelling, camping, simplification, meal prepping, or organization. Now, for a moment, what if you were talking about your opinions and views on your favorite topic and someone started giving you feedback that went against what you said? What would your gut reaction be like?
For most, we have a gut reaction to feel frustration or even anger towards a person who is giving us unwanted feedback. And that’s understandable as we were not prepared for it and it might have pushed some of our emotional buttons. It hurts. On the flip side, if the one giving feedback had been for what we said, we might have had a gut reaction of excitement, appreciation, or acceptance. Regardless, it is hard to block a quick gut reaction to anything.
To become better at receiving feedback, practice being able to hear this external feedback, taking a moment to process what was said, and choose how we want to respond to this person. For feedback against us, maybe we want to understand more about this person's perspective so we respond intentionally with curiosity to find out more. Maybe this person had thought our way before but learned after much experience that this other perspective was more impactful. For feedback that agrees with us, maybe this person does not know much about the topic and wanted to win our favor. Who knows because we certainly do not know their intentions or perspectives behind their words. It is better to approach with a sense of open-mindedness and curiosity to get the full picture before we instinctively react.
Similarly, when we give feedback, take a second to think about what you want to say before you say it. Maybe ask the other person if they are open to feedback before giving it. If they are open to it, and the feedback might potentially come off as negative, it could be useful to give some positive and negative feedback. Of course this depends on the relationship with the person. We all have friends who receive feedback well and others that do not. As you give feedback, you simultaneously start noticing how people respond to it and you can pick up on verbal and non-verbal cues.
But feedback can be very tricky as it is constantly being given to us everyday in various ways - our social interactions, the weather, the media we consume, the way we talk to ourselves, the decisions we make, the music we listen to, and the things we read. Feedback is just that - feedback. Not all feedback is something we have to listen to. “Chew the meat and spit out the bones.” It really is in our control to decide how we give and receive it. Feedback is not inherently good or bad. It is simply a tool we can use to learn more about the world around us and ourselves.
Looking at feedback within ourselves, it can be harder to notice or acknowledge as our culture tends to look forward to external feedback. Internal feedback can be anything from your body telling you it's hungry, to your brain having a headache (possibly asking you to take a break or drink more water), to even the thoughts we tell ourselves, such as, “You are a boss.” Some ways in which we can be more aware and accepting of our own internal feedback is actually listening for it. Take time to do things like meditation, journaling, self-care, going for a silent walk - activities where there is little to no external influence - and intentionally observe your mind, body, and soul. What is your mind saying to you? How is your body responding to your movement? How clear can you feel your soul? It is amazing what we can gather from the time we take to listen to ourselves. As we listen and take action to better ourselves (or continue to nourish our bodies), we become better at giving and receiving feedback in our external surroundings.
As our discernment grows, we become less judgmental because we are wiser in judging our surroundings. Ironic, right? What I mean by being able to judge others better is we can understand more about the other person beyond what they are saying or doing and less about being judgmental. An example might be a friend talking about feeling overwhelmed. Rather than being judgmental and saying, “You look like you could use a shower,” you might observe that they might not be the cleanest right now and that the overwhelmed feeling might be inhibiting their ability to do other things, like personal hygiene, so you say something like, “Is this feeling of overwhelm consuming your energy in other areas, too? If so, how can I best support you?” The difference is that the first approach might just trigger a feeling of guilt or shame, whereas the second approach gives the overwhelmed person a chance to think about how it's affecting them and come to the conclusion they need a shower while also having the support of a friend. How nice. The second approach might actually get them to feel better rather than worse.
But giving and receiving feedback is tricky. It takes practice and patience. So go forth and practice these skills because it was worth it.
